just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
