God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
