So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
