dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
