i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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