just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
