I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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