my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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