i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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