I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
