so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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