I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.