I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.