You're my little dorito
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
