My friends, they love my intelligence
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
