I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We are two peas in an std pod
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
