goodnight i made you a song goodbye
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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