He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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