Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
