my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
did i just pee glitter
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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