Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
