Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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