I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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