did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
