Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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