My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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