Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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