I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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