im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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