i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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