I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
