I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
