i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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