She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
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i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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