I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Help. Why am I so naked?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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