Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
