they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I deserve this hangover.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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