Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
