barbara walters just said penis...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
