Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
