I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
