When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
