Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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