my vag is so smooth its legendary
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Sorry about my life...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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