masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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