HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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