I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
