i may or may not be watching the land before time
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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