Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
