I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
