I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
