His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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