alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
