It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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