I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
