Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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