Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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